My Internet Tendancy (Again)

Articles of Clothing That Go Well With Distressed Jeans.

An anxious sweater vest
Passive-aggressive penny loafers
A letterman's jacket full of regret
A belt suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder
Suspenders

Paleolithic Bryan Adams: A Playlist.

"Cuts Like a Hand-Sharpened Piece of Flint"
"Run to You Across the Bering Land Bridge"
"Hearts on Fire (Which Few of Us Can Make)"
"(Everything I Do) I Do It for Scavenged Mammoth Meat"
"Summer of 6"

Tweets From the Roman Senate During Cicero's First Oration Against Catiline.

"One doesn't want to sound snarky, but it's nice not to see Sulla up there."
"'O tempora, O mores'? O give it a rest."
"Somehow the best seats are reserved for patricians."
"Pompeius Magnus is here!"
"I can't believe Catiline actually showed up for this."
"Cicero's definitely planning a bid for praetor."
"I'm sitting behind Cato the Younger."

Secure Website Authentification Questions.

What is your mother's maiden name?
What is your older sister's favorite Monopoly game piece?
Who did your paternal grandfather vote for in the 1956 presidential election?
Why did you choose a liberal-arts degree when your entire family urged you to go into finance?
In what year did you begin working on your novel?
How many weeks away was graduation when you dropped out of college?
What was your score on the civil-service employment exam?
Where were you sitting when your girlfriend told you she was pregnant?
Where did you never end up going for your honeymoon?
In what year did you begin working for the post office?
What is the name of the hedge-fund manager your ex-wife married?
How many hours did it take you to drink that bottle of Jack Daniel's yesterday?
What time was it when, in a drunken rage, you threw your novel into the fire?
If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?

New Texting Acronyms for the Elderly.

BIMD: Back in my day
ROFLACGU: Rolling on the floor laughing and can't get up
ML2N?: Matlock tonight?
OMGWTF: Oh my. Gee whiz. Tutti-frutti.
MBDC: My bad. Damn cataracts.
WIOLATS: Wore it out like a turn signal.
GTALNINFTCW: Gee, thanks a lot, now I'll never finish that crossword.

Three Things I'd Take to a Desert Island.

The Bible
The complete works of Beethoven
A pristine copy of Jean Renoir's The Rules of the Game
Also:
Nail clippers
Vaseline lip balm
Sonicare Elite 7500 Power Toothbrush (soft bristles)
UV-protected sunglasses
A volleyball
A volleyball net
Spikes for the volleyball net
Flip-flops
Annie's Homegrown Shells & White Cheddar, 6-ounce boxes (pack of 24)
Oven mitts
A beach chair
Stephen King's new one
A copy of Dumb and Dumber
A spare beach chair in case the first one breaks
A butter brush for corn on the cob
Toilet paper
15 rolls of pure-white paper towels
Four 16-ounce bags of Wetzel's Pretzels
An alarm clock
A glow-in-the-dark Frisbee
AA batteries
AAA batteries
Two D batteries
Herb scissors
A cucumber peeler
Five napkin rings
A plastic bag full of "Now That's What I Call Music!" CDs
Alarm clock/radio
Boogie Board
Paddleball paddles and balls
Sleeping shirt
Ribbed X-tra sensitive condoms
The digital camera
The charger for the digital camera
Glide dental floss
Noxzema shaving cream
Q-tips
A 12-ounce bottle of Trappey's Red Devil Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Suntan lotion, SPF 25 or above
An extension cord
Lined notepaper
A few ballpoint pens
A book of New York Times sudoku puzzles
Vitamins C and D
A hammer
My iMac
Some blank CDs
CleanWell Lavender Absolute All-Natural Antibacterial Wash
A pad of unlined paper
A few WTUL 91.5 FM bumper stickers
My senior yearbook from Winston Churchill High School
An extra pillow or two
A dream journal?

Footnotes, Endnotes, and Parentheticals That Cost Me Marks on My Thesis.

(the other one, the Ninja Turtle)
* In which he discusses the texture and viscosity of the fecal matter.
3 Who, although a gifted academic, is still a douche.
* Which is ironic, considering the electrocution and all.
(a gifted mime who spoke out against the regime)
12. Martin Handford, Where's Waldo?: The Fantastic Journey (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick Press, 1997), 16.
(Admittedly, I didn't read it, but I'd like to think I got the gist from the movie.)
8 Right? No, he did. I think. No, I'm pretty sure he did.
10. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Paul_Sartre

Planned Sequels to Nicolas Cage's Upcoming Film Bangkok Dangerous.

Cape Town Dangerous-er
Moscow Depressing
Tbilisi Unpronounceable
Miami Leathery
Tokyo Crowded
Boston Unable to Conceal Inferiority Complex Over New York
London Expensive
Los Angeles Nice to Visit but You Wouldn't Really Want to Live There
Newark Unpleasant
Baghdad Just Ridiculously Dangerous
Nicolas Cage Unwatchable Shell of Former Self

Pickup Lines to Use While Moving.

"Nice shoes. Wanna put them in that box over there?"
"Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because the movers are going to be here soon, so we should put it in bubble wrap."
"Your father must have been a thief, because I can't find the duct tape."
"The word of the day is 'tarp.' What do you say we go back to my place and spread the word?"
"Mind if I put my junk in your box?"
"If this bed's a-rockin' ... maybe it's not worth taking to the new place?"

Notes FromMy Grandma.

Aloha from Hawaii!
You're welcome.
D-sharp
How does this relate to your thesis?
If you are reading this, I am already dead.

Unremarkable Things Bent by Uri Geller

an ear
the truth
a knee
the rules
an elbow
spoons

Other Things There Will Be, in Addition to Blood.

Refreshments
A representative on hand to answer your questions
No horseplay
Minor delays
After-holiday sales
An end to this
A brief pause while we transfer your call
Light
No dessert unless you finish your carrots, mister
Consequences

Yiddish Spam.

Enhantz your schvantz!
Adjutz your putz!
XXX ... Yenta noshes on pisher's trayf blintz! Hot!
Do shiksas heckle your schmeckel?
Oy vey! Mamzer boychik potches zaftig schvartze tuchus!
Take this and you'll need another bris!
Moishe ... Yossel says this stock is gonna go sky-high! Don't be a schnorrer!
Just one little pill (but drink plenty of water)!
Buck up your schmuck!

Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother.

the Internet: "Where people mess around with words."
e-mail: "A way of communicating with people. You plug in and go for it."
website: "Where you post information about a topic. Any topic. It could be anything. Therein lies the freedom."
firewall: "It must block something. On the computer. It's something you can't get beyond, no matter how hard you try."
Adobe Acrobat: "You made that one up."
virus: "You have anti-virus protection on your computer. It protects against bogey people—like, bogey-bogey. It's really important. This scares me."
Firefox: "Definitely something to do with firewalls."
RAM: "The capacity of a computer ... program. I think. Why don't you just tell me? You're mean."
MP3: "Pass."

Personals From Nonpersons

Toyota Prius seeks irritating pseudoenvironmentalist for smug attitude and poorly informed dinner-party rant on Middle Eastern oil politics.
California relocation for "fresh start" seeks disaster-prone individual for postmove loneliness and employment difficulties followed by crippling "sleep all day" depression episode.
Cringe-inducing racist remark seeks grandfather for slip of the tongue during family get-together.
Tedious recounting of last night's nonsensical dream seeks potential suitor on first date for obliteration of second-date possibility.
Surprisingly explicit and seemingly unending movie sex scene seeks family for very uncomfortable viewing moment.

Adjectives Rejected in Favor of "Kafkaesque."

Kafkaish
Kafkaey
Kafkatle
Kafkatronic
Kafkalicious

Unlikely Disasters.

Sun and moon collision
All eyeballs turn to wood
Tornado made of fire
Sea mammals attack world's financial centers
Mountains leave
Colin Firthquake

Other Options Available on the New Poetry SUV.

Suspension of Disbelief
Iambic Speedometer

Musical Numbers From Fight Club! The Musical.

"Bob Had Bitch Tits"
"Marla's Lament"
"His Name Was Tyler Durden, Durden"
"You Can't Talk About Fight Club ... but You Can Sing About Fight Club!"
"Our Soapy Paradise"
"(Haven't Been Fucked Like That Since) Grade School"
"The Project Mayhem Tango"
"Bob Had Bitch Tits" (reprise)
"Just the One of Us"