21 January 2010

My Diagnosis


The brilliant thing about the whole 'related articles' thing is that for a paper like the Telegraph, which bridges that gap between the insane hysteria of the Mail and the conservative sobriety of the Times, an article titled 'Copper Pipes could Cause Disease and Alzheimer's', a title just one exclamation mark away from the dashboard of a transit van, links to these little gems of medical genius: A pint of milk stops heart disease, two drinks a day STOP Alzheimer's and divorcees and widows are more likely to get Alzheimer's. The irony is that a divorcee may well turn to the drink in which case she nulls her increased risks anyway. My favourite though; Statins cut risk of dying more than a tenth.

That's right folks, roll on up. For a 10% chance at eternal life take these crazy drugs. Occasionally though a newspaper does provide something useful. The Guardian recently put this up. A link to various government figures from 2007. Everything from your local BNP buddies to how much your school sucks. As if you didn't figure it out at the time. To a kid, every school sucks.

There used to be a blog called the Daily Mail Oncological Ontology Project. It tracked the various pieces of medical genius pumped out by that particular rag. Sadly, it hasn't been updated for two years.

What I'm proposing (and I'll need help) is this; start a set of blogs: Things That Will Kill You and Things That Will Grant You Immortality. Every day or so a group of us put up on one or both blogs the various things in the days media that would claim to cut short or extend our mortality with a brief explanation of how exactly this is supposed to be achieved.

It's just an idea. Perhaps a brilliant one. Could turn it into a book. Anyway, not sure how to end, here's a list from McSweeney's:


THE OTHER BATHROOM NUMBERS.

BY DAVID WECHSLER

- - - -

3. Shower
4. Shave
5. Talk to mirror
6. Vomit
7. Moisturize
8. Brush teeth
9. Masturbate
10. Clean (a. tub; b. toilet; c. sink; d. floor)
11. First aid
12. Both 1 and 2
13. Take drugs (a. legal; b. illegal)
14. Just want to be alone

Radical.

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