1) Ensure that you never have any money. Spend it on going out, clothes you never wear, expensive food and other pointless investments. Comparing lack of financial support makes 15% of the socialites' conversation. Saving is a big no-no.
2) Photographs; Have at least 10% of your social networking photographs in polaroid form, one must have you spelling 'blood' with your hands. 80% should be high-contrast and grainy, preferably taken in the dark. All of your photographs must be heavily edited.
3) Check facebook updates regularly to make sure you're going to the right place tonight. This is again, a vital conversation holder.
4) Conversation must revolve around one of four topics a) How little money you have (see 1) b) Where you're going next. (see 3) c) When you're all going for tea and cake. d) What she/he's wearing/doing/talking to.
5) Never spend time with a group of less than 5 "individuals". Doing so could make you look friendless.
6) Regret after what you did last night is important but it must be feigned so as to actually enable you to compare and impress others with your activities. Being hungover and far too drunk is vital. Dignity is not your friend anymore.
7) Ensure your activities are well documented and your conversations are public.
8) Patronisingly endearing nicknames for all your friends and yourself is also vital. You have to demean and endear in the most indirect way possible.
9) Following on from the nicknames; a weak grasp of personal phraseology is key. Make sure you and your peers have unique phrases (which should be just as patronising as the nicknames) which you use amongst yourself. Development of your own illiterate vernacular is also important but stay away from internet terms like 'lol'.
10) Loosen your moral compass. Determination, dignity, loyalty, honesty and self-belief won't get you into the good clubs.
11) Everything is ironic. With London still in the grip of the x-gen hangover, irony is key. It has successfully covered-up racism, sexism, homophobia, self-hate, social ineptitude and simple verbal and mental bullying. As long as it's presented ironically your new-found moral ambiguity can be excused, even making you look better to your peers.
12) Dress too impress. This should take up about 2-3 hours of your waking day. After all, people will now be forced to make up their mind about you based on your appearance rather than your vapid personality.
13) Facebook and MySpace are not social networking sites. They are for personality engineering. Make sure your personality is carefully socially engineered to an almost super-human level. All lessons can be applied here; irony, looking good, your exploits and your new vernacular. Erase anything that could dent your crafted image of perfection.
14) Don't think about the future. It's big and scary and you live for tonight.
15) Musical knowledge is vital and again, irony is a key-factor. You must attend one show a week. Ensure you have a core knowledge of house and electro music, twee pop and obscure, non-genre, fringe artists.
16) Films and art. The same concept applies as in music; a mix of absolute pap, foreign cinema and disney films.
17) Reading. This is almost completely irrelevant. One book every six months should do it.
18) Don't ever upset anyone. No matter what you feel or believe in, it is vital that you do not potentially alienate anyone from you sphere.
19) Know the right people. Other people also want to know the people you know. This is called social 'spider-webbing'.
20) Be dramatic. Life is a big soap-opera of uppers and downers now. Create crisis where there is none. Smile and laugh where you should be concerned or offended.
2 comments:
According to this list, I think Benjamin is the coolest person in the world.
Toby...
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